From the Glider Rocker to the Finish Line: Nothing About This is Simple ......

Nothing about this situation is simple. Really, NOTHING. Right down to how we remember or honor our beautiful son.

First, we are paralyzed by the unknown. Anderson died in his sleep, at daycare. The entire situation was treated as a crime scene - a child just doesn't die without suspicion. Everyone was questioned by detectives. We were fortunate, we got to hold him, but I realize looking back we were always under the watchful eye of police the entire three hours we were at the scene, each of us was assigned at least on if not two people to listen to every word, watch every move. I have learned in some jurisdictions parents aren't allowed to even hold their child because of the suspicions and need to collect evidence, so I feel so fortunate for how we were treated. They truly were gentle with me. But, because of the circumstances, an investigation is still ongoing. There was an autopsy - so far every bit of information except for a metabolic panel shows no cause of death. Given his health record, we don't expect anything from the metabolic panel. But until that comes back, we wait - not necessarily for a cause, but for a finding that it is unidentified - meaning sudden unexplained death in childhood (SUDC). Basically SIDS, but more rare because he was over the age of 12 months - part of the definition for SIDS. Even there, we are a rare and complicated case apparently, not fitting in what most people call SIDS (I have to admit, I was kind of irked at this).

I want so badly to find a direction, to find somewhere to direct my energy, my anger, my questions, my sadness. But honestly I feel paralyzed to move in any direction. I mean, we can't even choose a charity for crying out loud. We have had donations to a fund for Anderson to go to a charity we choose - but we can't choose one because, honestly, I can find organizations for SUDC, and have, but what if it isn't SUDC? I think I would be in a way devastated again, so I just can't. I have been blessed to have been offered the opportunity to race this season in memory of my son, and raise money for charity on his behalf, yet the lack of final findings has paralyzed me even as far as training. It seems odd, but it is true.

Second, there is the childcare issue. I need to go back to work at some point. I need care for my kids during the day. I can't get myself to get to that decision yet. I plan to return to work at least part time in a few weeks. But I can't seem to make a move about childcare. First, our caregiver is currently closed. Because of the circumstances, her license is suspended pending the investigation. I understand the premise, but at this point the only remaining piece of information has NOTHING to do with her actions or inaction. There are no findings that lead to any issues with regard to his care or abuse - NONE. I am relieved for that - I wouldn't have been able to wrap my arms around it if something during his care has caused his death. I never really suspected it, but was relieved to hear anyway. But the daycare remains closed - and this is their sole source of income as far as I know, so in addition to the horrific ordeal they went through having Anderson die in their care, they are now without income. I feel for them. On the other hand, I can't even drive past the subdivision of their home without crying and shaking. While my girls miss their caregiver, I am not sure I can go back there every day to drop them off. We are in contact with them, even have a unique bond with them, but the house is just something I can't bear to see at this point.

But I have to say the most apparent manifestation of the complicated nature of everything we are going through has been the garden we created, with the help (and at times sole work of) my sister. It started simply enough. We needed flowers for Anderson's service. We decided to buy plants - pots with plants that were more than floral arrangements so we could have flowers for some time. I decided I wanted hydrangeas included - I love hydrangeas and being blue in color I thought they were appropriate, and I could plant them in the yard to remember him (and they are easily transplanted if we moved!)

Hydrangea

That's where it all started. I decided then I wanted to make an area around our dining area in our kitchen for the hydrangeas. This then became a wish to have more of a garden that would attract birds because Anderson loved watching birds at the feeder and out the low windows in the kitchen. Well, as you can see below, it became quite the project!