Maybe This Begins the Anger Phase

I haven't written much as of late - and the raw emotion I am writing here is probably is exactly why.  Honestly, it has been such a whirlwind of emotions, I just don't even know how to formulate a post.  I have been searching - desperately searching - for a way to make this all sensible, find a purpose to all of this, find something to take away.  But many times, at the end of the day, it just isn't there, and I feel like I have nothing profound to say, nothing to share I have learned, nothing to put forth about moving forward.  It feels like there is always a setback.  Maybe I expect too much.

But tonight I may have felt a glimpse of the anger "they" say will come as I move through the stages of grief.  I returned to work today.  It was pretty uneventful.  I think I still feel the shame parents feel when they have lost a child.  No one can alleviate it, as irrational as it may sound because, frankly, it is OUR JOB to protect our kids.  And, as irrational as it sounds, I couldn't.  My boy died, I wasn't there, I didn't save him, and he is gone forever.  I am angry with myself.

But, that is not new.  As I have been progressing through this I have been reconnecting with my spiritual self. It is selfish really.  I need to believe he is still there, somewhere, somehow.  I need to believe he is watching over us, and that at a time (which I have no control over) we will be reunited and I will once again be able to hold his hand, stroke his hair, hear his voice (I am finding I am terrified I am forgetting his voice).  So I have been searching.  I found a fine church (I think) and some fine people who are wonderful, and believe that somehow God will enlighten me in all of this.  Not in some cult way, but real, genuine, people who have full lives and still have a strong spiritual self.

But tonight I came home and once again immersed myself in a whirlwind of obligations - organizing the foundation, coordinating my meetings with people who have graciously offered to help, making lists of tasks for an auction event, trying to figure out how to train for my race which will serve as a fundraiser, cultivating my Thirty-One business to provide funding for charity, and caring for my children.  When I finally took a moment to sit down and take a breath I burst into tears.  Every part of me angrily asked God how he could do this, how could he take him, and frankly to demand he bring him back to me.  I miss Anderson so much.  I am just so overwhelmed by the desperate need, still, to figure out how to fix this.  I can't fix it, yet when I stop, breathe, and just exist my instinct is a wave of panic that time is running out on how to "undo" this.

Sleep, most nights, eludes me.  I wake after an hour or two of sleep and lay awake desperately searching.  Searching every memory struggling not to forget how his little chubby hands felt.  Struggling to remember the sound of his demand "Mama" and "milk."  Struggling to remember that sound he made when he sucked on his pacifier and gazed into my eyes as he fell asleep.  Struggling to remember the laugh behind the pacifier as he reached up hoping I would playfully bite at his fingers.  I think I am starting to forget, and it terrifies me.  I lay there for hours, hoping to sleep, but finding it impossible.

During the day I am consumed with making some difference from all of this.  I know part of it at least is a desperate attempt to control something in this whole scenario.  But when I get tired I get terrified.  What if I fail, what if I fail him.  What if everything I am trying to do doesn't happen, or isn't perfect, or doesn't go as well as I hope.  I will fail him again.  That scares me.

Everything scares me.  I haven't written in a while, because, well, I am scared.  That is what it all comes down to I think.  Afraid to put it out there how I may fail, again.  It is impossible in this situation not to feel that way I think.  It is "normal."  Actually, nothing about this is "normal."  Hopefully I will be brave enough to continue on with all of this, keep working, keep trying, and keep writing, because, maybe, just maybe, putting it all out here will let me sleep tonight.  And hopefully, just hopefully, I can help one family, one mother, one child, at some point before I see Anderson again.  So no pretty pictures here - just one big pure emotion dump.

Nothing About This is Simple ......

Nothing about this situation is simple.  Really, NOTHING.  Right down to how we remember or honor our beautiful son. 

First, we are paralyzed by the unknown.  Anderson died in his sleep, at daycare.  The entire situation was treated as a crime scene - a child just doesn't die without suspicion.  Everyone was questioned by detectives.  We were fortunate, we got to hold him, but I realize looking back we were always under the watchful eye of police the entire three hours we were at the scene, each of us was assigned at least on if not two people to listen to every word, watch every move.  I have learned in some jurisdictions parents aren't allowed to even hold their child because of the suspicions and need to collect evidence, so I feel so fortunate for how we were treated.  They truly were gentle with me.  But, because of the circumstances, an investigation is still ongoing.  There was an autopsy - so far every bit of information except for a metabolic panel shows no cause of death.  Given his health record, we don't expect anything from the metabolic panel.  But until that comes back, we wait - not necessarily for a cause, but for a finding that it is unidentified - meaning sudden unexplained death in childhood (SUDC).  Basically SIDS, but more rare because he was over the age of 12 months - part of the definition for SIDS.  Even there, we are a rare and complicated case apparently, not fitting in what most people call SIDS (I have to admit, I was kind of irked at this).

I want so badly to find a direction, to find somewhere to direct my energy, my anger, my questions, my sadness.  But honestly I feel paralyzed to move in any direction.  I mean, we can't even choose a charity for crying out loud.  We have had donations to a fund for Anderson to go to a charity we choose - but we can't choose one because, honestly, I can find organizations for SUDC, and have, but what if it isn't SUDC?  I think I would be in a way devastated again, so I just can't.  I have been blessed to have been offered the opportunity to race this season in memory of my son, and raise money for charity on his behalf, yet the lack of final findings has paralyzed me even as far as training.  It seems odd, but it is true.

Second, there is the childcare issue.  I need to go back to work at some point.  I need care for my kids during the day.  I can't get myself to get to that decision yet.  I plan to return to work at least part time in a few weeks.  But I can't seem to make a move about childcare.  First, our caregiver is currently closed.  Because of the circumstances, her license is suspended pending the investigation.  I understand the premise, but at this point the only remaining piece of information has NOTHING to do with her actions or inaction.  There are no findings that lead to any issues with regard to his care or abuse - NONE.  I am relieved for that - I wouldn't have been able to wrap my arms around it if something during his care has caused his death.  I never really suspected it, but was relieved to hear anyway.  But the daycare remains closed - and this is their sole source of income as far as I know, so in addition to the horrific ordeal they went through having Anderson die in their care, they are now without income.  I feel for them.  On the other hand, I can't even drive past the subdivision of their home without crying and shaking.  While my girls miss their caregiver, I am not sure I can go back there every day to drop them off.  We are in contact with them, even have a unique bond with them, but the house is just something I can't bear to see at this point.

But I have to say the most apparent manifestation of the complicated nature of everything we are going through has been the garden we created, with the help (and at times sole work of) my sister.  It started simply enough.  We needed flowers for Anderson's service.  We decided to buy plants - pots with plants that were more than floral arrangements so we could have flowers for some time.  I decided I wanted hydrangeas included - I love hydrangeas and being blue in color I thought they were appropriate, and I could plant them in the yard to remember him (and they are easily transplanted if we moved!)

Hydrangea



That's where it all started.  I decided then I wanted to make an area around our dining area in our kitchen for the hydrangeas.  This then became a wish to have more of a garden that would attract birds because Anderson loved watching birds at the feeder and out the low windows in the kitchen.  Well, as you can see below, it became quite the project!

Before - Addyson helping clean out the area!

My sister preparing to build the rock wall.

The wall built and garden filled



The garden planted - complete with bird bath water feature (a gift from my parents) and feeders!



Another view of the garden.

Our beautiful bird bath!

And we didn't stop there - we added an expanded vegetable garden.

And we added a bench and pots!

And, added to my tiny shade garden.

Nothing about this is simple - NOTHING!



Hopes and Dreams May Change, But Never Disappear

Ready for a balloon release at Anderson's Service - Photo by A. Storch

For a week, I composed, in my head, what to say at Anderson's Service.  So many have commented on how strong I must be to have spoken.  I did struggle with whether to speak, but a friend summed up my motivation so well after the service.  So many times, when ones we love have died, we share funny stories to remember them.  Honestly, in a short 18 months, who REALLY knew Anderson - very few did, but we as parents knew and treasured every moment.  So, knowing it would be hard to gather my thoughts, I wrote out what I planned to say so that I could share with people who were there to support us just a little bit of what our little boy was made of.  In hindsight I am so glad I did, and that I printed it out in extra large font because I could barely even read it through my tears.  Many have asked that we share with them a video of the service - we had it videotaped by a good friend (thanks Jessica!) because many close family members, including my parents, could not travel to be at the service.  Honestly, I haven't been able to watch it - and probably won't for some time, so I will share here my written words for the service instead.

"Good morning.

Thank you just doesn’t cut it today.  No words can express our gratitude and appreciation for the love and prayers we have received these last 11 days.  As many of you may know, the last few years have not always been easy for our family.  It is sometimes so easy to find oneself thinking or feeling like we are alone when life inevitably does what life will sometimes do, presenting us with what seem like impossible challenges.  Today, however, I want to share with everyone that no one is alone in life’s journey of ups and downs.  I ask you to look around this room – at all the love, support, and open arms.  If nothing else comes from today, I truly hope that each of us leaves here with a new perspective and strength to draw upon when life gives us our own individual mountains to climb.  While the faces of the people you find in your own life may not be identical, today we are all surrounded by a community of love, support, encouragement, and just plain human companionship that all of us need to draw upon in times of need.  We have all heard “It takes a village.”  Today we sit among the finest of villages – this community gathered in this room, and it is overwhelming.  Thank you all for your love for our family.  The peace and comfort we have found with each and every one of you during this time is immeasurable.

I have struggled over the last few days of what to say, whether to say anything at all today.  I couldn’t help but feel compelled to say something today, as difficult as it is with a broken heart, because there is so much I want to still tell my precious boy – so much all of our family has struggled to put into words during what has been an unthinkable tragedy for our family.  I wanted to express our wishes for our precious boy to help everyone know him better, know him as we knew him.

Our Dear Sweet Anderson:

Our time with you was much too short.  We all miss you terribly, more than any words can express.  Our hearts ache to hold you, to get sloppy kisses, and to catch you as you run into our arms collapsing in a fit of laughter.   While we are biased, of course, we all believe you had to be the happiest little boy we have ever seen.  I can’t help but believe that you packed in a lifetime of happiness, laughter, and smiles into your 18 months with us. 

Every parent and family member has a long list of dreams for every child.  That does not change, even though you are no longer here with us.  While the hopes and dreams may be different, they are no less compelling than they were a mere 11 days ago.

We hope that you are, first off, still smiling that contagious smile, with the unmistakable sparkle in your eye.  We hope your days are filled with laughter and giggles, and an unending joy for learning new things.

We hope that someone is there to hear your demanding calls of “uh OH!” when you awake to find your pacifier recklessly thrown from your crib during your slumber.  And, even more importantly, that they jump to find it in the dark, feeling around on the floor and under your crib, desperately trying to return it to you for a source of comfort.

We hope that someone recognizes your pulling at your hair as your need to rest or sleep.  Or even better, that there is someone with long hair for you to sit with, entangle their hair with yours in your hand, and that will allow you to gently run it through your fingers as you fall asleep.

We hope that there is someone that will remind you to bite into the girl scout cookie as you stare at it after you have licked, or more accurately smeared all over your face, its chocolate coating.

We hope that there is someone who will stand across the room, get down on one knee, and hold their arms open and allow you to run into their arms giggling towards a huge hug.  More importantly, we hope they expect your legs to fold as you fall backwards expecting kisses under your chin, and they kiss you until you can barely breathe from laughing so hard.

We hope there is an abundance of drawers and cabinets filled with pots, pans, and Tupperware lids.  Similarly, we hope you are greeted with an abundance of patience as you empty the drawers and cabinets by the armload, and return each item one by one, interrupted by so many other fun distractions, before emptying them all over again.

We hope you can enjoy your meals while viewing a million birds gorging themselves on a feeder.  We hope you always squeal with excitement as each bird comes into view.

We hope you continue to identify fish in even the oddest of places, marveling at each fish with wide eyed excitement.

We hope you have a million balls to carry, move, put in and out of anything you can, all while exclaiming “BAH!  BAH!” with an unending proud grin.

We hope there are lots of mirrors for you to view yourself in, stick out your tongue, and crack yourself up in an endearing fit of laughter.

We hope that there is someone that finds your pulling their shirt to their knees, all while lifting one foot in what we affectionately call the flamingo pose, all while exclaiming “Up, Up” as heartwarming as we do.

We hope there is someone who loves to chase you as you run away with the devilish grin that says “catch me if you can.”

We hope there is someone who sometimes turns and giggles out of your site as you walk across a room, pretending to go get a toy, and as you pass the person who happened to irk you a minute before you grab a handful of hair.  Yes, our son, we will always stand by our rule that hair pulling is inappropriate.  However, your sneakiness and slyness were always a bit funny, you always thought you were fooling us, and just sometimes it was a joy to let you believe you had.

Most importantly, we hope you know in your heart how much you are loved.  We can’t help but believe that if the boundless love, joy, warmth, smiles and laughter you shared with us is any indication, you knew just how much we love you and now miss you with all our being.  We miss you little man, our little bud-bud and you will forever be in our hearts and lives.  Until we meet again our sweet boy –

We love you and we miss you with all our hearts."

There are still so many other memories or moments I wish I had shared.  Seems like life if full of a lot of regrets lately.  I can't help but wish that could or would change.

Balloons take flight - photo by A. Storch

In An Instant - Life Changed Forever

In an instant, life changed forever.  I keep saying it over and over.  I am not sure what "instant" I am talking about.  Is it the instant my son took his last breath?  Is it the instant he fell asleep to never awake again?  Is it the instant I closed the door leaving him at daycare that morning as he cried?  Is it the instant that my poor husband had to tell me over the phone that Anderson had died?  Or, is it the instant I heard those words and fell to the floor screaming in the middle of my office?  Is it the instant I first saw his lifeless body?  Or maybe it is the instant I had to kiss his little head goodbye as they took him from me wrapped in a blanket?  I really don't know, I just know forever I am changed.  Somehow, some way, forever I will be a mother in mourning.  I don't see that EVER changing - I will forever mourn the loss of my little boy.

I could never predict how profoundly devastating this whole thing would be.  I just can't fathom the rest of my life remembering this sweet happy little boy who is no longer going to grow with us.  I keep hearing it will get easier and honestly, I just can't imagine it getting easier.  I can't imagine a day without a gut wrenching sadness in my inner core.  I can't imagine a day without tears.  It seems impossible, yet I do hope it is true.

I also could never predict just how grateful we would be for family and friends.  People have been so amazing, coming to our family's aid at this horrible time.  Meals, offers of help, and so many kind words have been a saving grace.

I honestly don't know what life holds for the future.  I am taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.  I am learning a lot about life, loss, sadness, and priorities along the way.  We were told it will never be normal again - or more accurately, we just will need time to find a new normal.  I can't imagine liking any new normal.

There are things I have become amazingly grateful for along the way:

- My two children - they have been amazing, honest, loving, sad and the rock that has kept us going forward as a family.
- I am not alone.  It has been a rough few years for a variety of reasons.  I think if one listed some of the major adult traumas one could encounter I have experienced many of them.  I can't begin to explain.  Often it is so hard when the chips are down to feel alone - and many times I did.  This whole experience has shown me otherwise.  It is so difficult to explain, but so true.
- I have learned a lot these past 6 months that served me well.  Things impacting my life drove me to seek out help in a variety of forums these past 6 months.  The tools I have learned helped tremendously particularly in the first two weeks following Anderson's death.  Now if only I could continue to employ them.
- I let people help.  That has been something I have never been able to do easily.  In the past few weeks I have let people help, and at times it has saved us.

I don't know where I go from here.  There are plans for me to train to do a race as a memorial for Anderson.  I need to get off my butt and do something about it though.  I hope to make something positive come of all of this - just don't know where or what that is, in its entirety, yet. 

If you pass me on the street I will say I am ok, will smile even.  It is odd that it is strangers or mere acquaintances that seem to make me cry.  The random sales clerk that asks me if my three year old is my only child, the garden department manager making small talk that asks me about my garden project (with my sister's help, or perhaps just all her hard work, we have constructed a memorial garden for Anderson), or the stranger in my daughter's school office carrying an 18 month old boy in his jammies - those cause me to break down.  It is all so confusing, so gut wrenching, so agonizing - and I need to put this energy somewhere.

For now I really just wish I could pinpoint that "instant."

I miss you more than words can explain Bud-Bud.

Note to all - this blog will be changing.  Our family has suffered an unthinkable tragedy in the loss of our son.  I need a place to write, and in time the focus may and probably will shift back to some form of health related/training related issues - triathlon and health will always be a part of my life, but the perspective I have on it all has been forever changed.  But this title still seems so fitting.  So, please unfollow or remove yourself if this is a topic that you just can't deal with - it is totally understandable, and I get it - and please pray for our sweet Anderson and our family, we are all heartbroken.

I Just Can't Let the Moment Pass

Rest in Peace Sweet Angels, Braden and Charlie - I can only hope you are playing, running, laughing, and loving without a care in the world now. 

Running Really Doesn't Suck, Until........

You do a face plant - on a beautiful day, during the lunch hour, along Ruston Way where all the nice restaurants serve wonderful lunchtime delights!  Seriously, I don't even know where to start - or better yet, where to start again.  In case you missed it in the past, I struggle with running - I am slow, and just not a natural runner.  Recently I started running again, with the goal of training for a half marathon I am registered for in May.  Mind you, I registered LAST May for the race, thinking that would provide me the motivation to improve my running endurance and, therefore, speed as well. 

After several treadmill runs over the past few weeks, the weather here became just absolutely GORGEOUS!  So, I headed outside.  The first lunchtime run I completed a 5k with relative ease.  I was excited.  It also helped that I had a new toy - a Garmin run computer - that kept me entertained and intrigued.  I will provide a post on that on its own, because I LOVE my Garmin!

My training routine includes running three times a week for at least 45 minutes.  Because of the weather here in the Northwest, I will likely do a lot of my weekday runs on a treadmill unless we get nice weather and until the daylight hours are longer.  My weekends are my long run - adding a mile each weekend.  My plan is to run a 4:1 run:walk ratio - four minutes of running with one minute of walking.  For the half marathon I hope to will run the last 3.1 miles non-stop.  Anyway, my first weekend long run I set out to do 5 miles to start.  And, I DID IT - with relative comfort/ease and minimal soreness afterwards.  I was psyched because, you see, I hadn't done much running and 5 miles is the furthest I can ever remember running.  LIKE EVER IN MY LIFE!  I thought I was finding a love for running - until this past Monday when doubt literally crashed back in.

On Monday the weather was fantastic - sunny, clear, and predicted to be close to or over 60 degrees!  So, I planned a lunchtime run.  Honestly, as the morning wore on at work, I didn't want to go.  But, I forced myself out the door - as they say, the hardest step for any runner is the one out the door!  I set out on my run along a beautiful stretch of waterfront trail.  It was gorgeous, and I was so glad I had forced myself to take a lunch.  At 1.7 miles, I decided to turn around back towards my car.  At 1.71 miles, I was crossing a driveway to a really nice restaurant, trying to turn my music up on my MP3 player, and loving the view.  Only one problem: while I remembered at the end of the driveway as you enter the trail there is a rise in the pavement, I totally misjudged the rise and my foot struck it.

It was kind of like slow motion.  Honestly, I almost caught myself, but in the end I concentrated on missing the poles put there to keep cars from turning onto the trail (probably a good plan) and went down on my right arm, which of course was holding my music, and it totally gave way - leaving me to slam my chin into the pavement.  All I remember is turning over and looking at my hands covered in blood.  I remember mumbling "SWEEET" in a very sarcastic tone.  Next, I noticed a car approaching in the drive and the woman in the passenger seat pointing at me.  The man driving stopped to ask if I was ok, and I remember stammering, as I was checking my teeth for chips or breaks, "Yeah, I think I just banged up my face."  His response after looking at me closer out the window? "YEAH you did."  I remember thinking "THANKS, that is just what I need to hear right now [insert some expletive here]!"  So I picked myself up, removed my fleece and held it to my chin, and began the walk of shame - all 1.69 miles of it - back to my car.  That was one seriously LONG walk.

All in all I was fine.  No chipped or broken teeth.  Other than a nasty mess of a chin and a few x-rays of my jaw at the insistence of my boss when the next day I couldn't even talk normally (which proved there was no break) the publicly noticeable ramifications have been few.  A very sore shoulder (my shoulders dislocate fairly regularly), some swelling and headaches, and an extremely sore hand remind me of the incident, but hopefully will fade in a few days.  After a few days and ibuprofen, I think I am on the mend - physically.  (But really, a fall running and all THIS?????).  But my ego is bruised.  My confidence busted.  I was embarrassed and that is the worst injury of all for me.  That walk of shame, having to return to my office with a chin and hand dripping blood, actually taking sick time to take myself to the doctor, and either having people I know constantly ask what happened or having strangers stare wondering what happened, I am embarrassed.  Humiliated.  That is always a challenge for me.  So, I need to pick myself up and get back out there - remembering the most difficult step will the the first step out the door.

Just to show that there is some humor in this, here are some fun facts:

1.  My Garmin shows I was running a 9:28 mile at the time I fell - that is freakin' AWESOME for me.

2.  The Garmin graph plots along until it goes straight up at the time of impact to a dead stop - interesting analysis of my run!

3.  At least it happened while I was running, and not in a walk interval.

4.  Last Tri season you may remember my fear of crashing on my bike and I endured not one centimeter of road rash last year.  This year I get road rash on my FACE during a RUN!

5.  My kids keep asking "Did someone push you Mom?,"  "Did anyone help you Mom?"  "How exactly do you fall running Mom?"  They are confused as to how old Mom goes to work and says she ran at lunch and comes home looking like a crash victim!

6.  Friends and colleagues at work feel much better now about my lunchtime runs.....I can no longer count how many times I have heard "See, exercise is going to kill you!"

And, really, I NEED to get back out there - how can you beat this view:

My Quest for a GOOD Breakfast!

It seems these days I am constantly on the hunt for a healthy protein rich breakfast for the whole family.  The catch is it has to be easy to prepare too - and preferably not just a bar in a wrapper.  My kids like cereal (thankfully whole grain) and oatmeal, but still, no protein.  My family also LOVES eggs, but except for the random weekend morning here and there, who has time for that?  Well, I think I found a way!  I found a great recipe at one of my favorite cooking sites Once a Month Mom.  If you are at all interested in easier healthy recipes that are great for making in large batches so you can freeze meals ahead, Once a Month Mom is a great resource.  I didn't follow their recipe exactly because when I decided to try it for the first time, I did not have all the ingredients.

So, here is what I did: I had nine eggs, I used 5 whole eggs and four egg whites.  I beat all the eggs together (whole and egg whites) and added ham (a family favorite).  I did not add salt or pepper because, in general, our family rarely uses salt or pepper.  I used a standard size cupcake/muffin pan that makes 12 muffins.  I sprayed nine of them with cooking spray and placed roughly one third of a slice of whole wheat bread in each.  I filled the nine cups with the egg/ham mixture.  I baked them as recommended in Once a Month Mom.  I topped each one with roughly a tablespoon of shredded cheddar cheese (full fat, we don't skimp on milk fats in our family - we cut fat in other areas).  Once they cooled a bit they were pretty easy to pop out with a fork and were delicious. 

The only thing I would change is the red pepper would probably be very good, and I might add a bit of salt.  I froze the leftovers in individual plastic containers and they reheated in the microwave very well - a great breakfast for after a workout.

So each "egg muffin" had one half a whole egg, one half an egg white, perhaps 1.5 oz of ham (probably less) and 1.5 tablespoons of full fat cheese.  I haven't gone to figure out weight watchers points, but I would venture a guess they would fit quite well into that program.  I pair the egg muffin with fruit or yogurt to round out my after workout breakfast.  At some point I will have to fill you all in on my "two breakfast" mornings that seem to work really well for me.

I would LOVE to hear other good healthy and protein rich breakfast ideas from any of my readers!  Please, share!  Honestly, for myself, I tend to eat half a turkey sandwich - but the family just can't get their heads around a sandwich like that for breakfast!

Words to {Begin} Live{ing} By........

I am the queen of negative self-talk and questioning myself.  Recently, my sister gave me this to remind myself that I need to believe in myself.  Christopher Robin was sure wise for a boy.  I know often I look back and am amazed at what I did - what I do on a daily basis that I never give myself credit for.  For this week I make a pledge to remember the wise words of this "boy."  How about you?

On a related note, the last few months I have spent a great deal of time reflecting and reading.  Weekly, and sometimes more often, I find a little "nugget" or saying that I use for a theme for myself.  Sometimes I put a post-it on my monitor, or my bathroom mirror, with the little "nugget" to help me digest it.  I plan to share some of the better ones, more inspiring ones, here.  I hope you don't mind, but I have found that mental training is as important, and sometimes more important, to reach whatever finish line you are approaching.

Well, Here We Go Again!

Wow, it certainly has been some time since I last posted.  The last months have been a whirlwind of life challenges and successes, and a period of tremendous personal growth for me and my family.  All in good time, I will share a lot of what I have learned, through stories that are mine to share.  For many reasons, some stories just are not mine to tell, and therefore will remain untold here. 

Honestly, I am thinking the focus of this blog may change a bit.  I have thought often of sharing some of my life these past months here and all too often thought "Well, that simply doesn't fit with the theme as stated."  However, so many times my title was very appropriate for the situation or thoughts I had wanted to share.  "From the Glider Rocker to the Finish Line" really says it all - my life is complex, and a good part of my life is focused on bringing me, my children, and my family through the trials of life to that "finish line."  Obviously, the "finish line" takes on many meanings!  So, look for such changes to come - along with hopefully a design change that will make this blog more user friendly, and, honestly, more fun!  I look forward to growing with the blog on a more regular basis.

As for the active part of my life, I have to say it has been pretty quiet.  I have endeavored to support my children in their active pursuits, primarily dance and soccer, but my own training has taken a back seat to many other "big" life challenges.  I am finally getting into a position to perhaps begin to train for my half marathon in May, although I *may* defer a year.

In September after my last race, I discovered I had a pencil size lump on the apex of my left shin.  It was tender to the touch, and with a minor history of skin cancer, off to the dermatologist I went.  On September 26 they took a biopsy of the spot.  Within a week or two, the site NEVER healed and, in fact, grew to a size over that of a quarter.  Finally, on October 26 I had surgery.  The plastic surgeon was enlisted because of the complexity and the planned skin graft.  After the surgery, I was told "Good News!  We didn't have to do a skin graft!"  If only I knew the true meaning of that.  See, I had a 4-5 inch incision stretched to close over the top of my shin bone - and THREE kids to care for, who also had little feet, hands, and in one case, heads that would continually batter the site.  Within a week the stitches had dissolved and almost the whole incision opened and WOULD NOT HEAL!  I will spare you all the gory details, but let's just say it was horrific and I was terrified of infection.  It was not until around Christmas that I finally noticed healing beginning after wearing pressure bandaging for a month!  It is just this week that I finally called the surgeon for a last check with the hope that I can get back in the pool to swim.  I miss the pool terribly - more for my mental health than anything else!  I hope to swim Wednesday - please, let me swim Wednesday!

So, in short, I am back, well, almost back.  Life has changed dramatically for me in the last six months, and I continue to fine tune my current life to try to get back into my personal fitness training.  I look forward, however, to bringing this blog back to life, albeit perhaps with a more wide variety of topics!

Quick Deal on Reusable Lunch Bags

I just ordered Reusies for my whole FAMILY - basically these are reusable bags (think never buy another plastic sandwich bag again!) that are sandwich sized, but can also hold snacks!  They are super cute.  They regularly cost $9.00 each, but they were featured on Good Morning America today and if you use the coupon GMA when ordering they were 50% off (I think this may be for today, August 15, only)!  That is worth it in my opinion since we seem to go through countless plastic bags and these are, obviously, much more environmentally friendly!

Just wanted to share - I know I haven't posted much lately - a TON of stuff has been going on in our family, but I should have a few more interesting posts sharing some information in the next few days.  Can't wait to catch up!

WE Did It: Chelanman Race Report!

Well, I wanted to check in and give a race report before I forget all the details.  I am still trying to get back into the swing of things after being away and have not yet downloaded race pictures.  The above photograph was taken courtesy of a race sponsor and it is a photo of that photo, so I apologize for the quality.  My daughter completed her first tri as well and this photo makes me so proud.  Every ache, pain, frustration, and ounce of self doubt is worth it when I can share moments like these with my children!

The summary stats:

Overall Time:  1:31:02 (48/192 Overall, 3/24 Age Group)

Swim 1/4 mile: 08:43.04 (41/192 Overall, 2/24 Age Group)

Bike 13.1 miles: 43:49.4 (34/192 Overall, 1/24 Age Group)

Run 3.1 miles: 34:30.1 (105/192 Overall, 11/24 Age Group)

So, here we are where I can finally say "I seriously NEED to work on my run!"  The run was just flat out bad, although as you will read, I had some technical issues on the run too!  Let me start out with how much FUN I had this past weekend.  Sharing successes and challenges with so many fabulous athletes (and fantastic Ladies!) was just priceless.  I had so much fun, I reserved a hotel room for next year's race weekend!  We started off the weekend Friday evening with a wonderful dinner at a fabulous Italian place with fantastic views!  I can't wait to share pictures later this week!

Saturday, I watched the Olympic and Half Iron races, which were so inspiring.  So many of my teammates did the Olympic race and really inspired me to train for that race next year!  Saturday afternoon the family arrived and we headed to dinner and then hung out at the pool of the hotel.  That is where a little bump in the road occurred that would shake me to my core for the remainder of the weekend, and impact my run due to technical difficulties.  During a group picture (well, just after as everyone got up in front of me) I lost sight of my 2 1/2 year old on the steps of the pool.  In an instant she had fallen off the steps and over her head.  I ended up leaping in after her with the baby in the carrier (he stayed fairly dry) clothes (and running shoes) and all!  I have never had such a frightening experience and it has taught me that my children will wear life vests around water until they know how to swim flawlessly.  Never again will I think I can watch them adequately around water.  I ended up blow drying my shoes that evening.  Note to self:  next time your shoes get soaking wet, double check your Yankz laces - they may slip from their little clips!

But, on to happier things.  Sunday was race day.  The morning was gorgeous and I took a walk around the hotel grounds at around 5:30 am to just get myself moving, enjoy a cup of coffee, and listen to some music (and try to avoid waking my roommates!).  The lake was like glass and very peaceful.  There were a few of us already roaming around in nervous anticipation.

The SWIM:  I was overall very pleased with my swim time!  I had hoped to get it done in under 10:00 so I exceeded that goal!  I found that if I waited on the start just a second or so I could sneak between two swimmers and I was off for the races!  Except for battling the passenger ferry wake on the lake, it was a delightful swim.  I did, however, literally stop to chat with two ladies who were struggling from the wave before mine - and I have no regrets about that and were happy to find they had finished the swim!

The BIKE:  This time, my bike ride was AWESOME!  I was first in my age group on the bike and it was smooth sailing the WHOLE way.  Of course it was an easy rolling hill course without a lot of technical areas so that made it much easier than my last bike course.  My only issue was with some of the people riding side by side (really, what is with that?) to chat and making it difficult to pass since it was an open course with traffic!

The RUN:  Here is where my issues came into play.  First, within the first 1/2 mile of the run there is a steep hill out of the park.  I pushed my bike hard so that initial hill was ridiculous for me!  I actually had to stop and walk!  Very frustrating.  Then, as I got on the road portion of the course, I noticed my shoes were loose.  They kept getting looser and looser until finally I stopped.  My Yankz laces had basically slipped out of the clips and kept loosening.  I spent a good 90 seconds or more trying to fix my shoes at the guardrail while getting passed over and over again by runners.  NOT a happy moment (and I apologize to those who passed me for my language as I was grumbling at my shoes!).  I got off and running again only to still have one shoe come unclipped AGAIN!  So, stopped again by my dang shoes.  Then, as I stood up, my race belt "button" holding my number pops off into the grass under the guardrail.  For some unknown reason I stood there and searched for it and put it back on - still not sure why really - but I did.  My run time was horrible.  Considering all the time I spent stopped (and, unfortunately, walking sporadically during the first 1.5 miles) I am actually surprised it was not a worse time. 

So, the next two weeks I work on my run and brick workouts.  Along with the run I am FINALLY growing up and transitioning to clipless pedals.  Wish me luck, I will NEED it. 

With races back to back every two weeks right now, it really has become difficult to keep up with more than just race reports!  Once my next race is over I should have some breathing room to come back with more substantive posts as well!

As The Weekend Nears......

I am getting excited and terrified all at once.  This weekend is monumental for a variety of reasons:

1.  This will be my first full triathlon.  I am finally doing all three segments, although I "downgraded" to only do the 1/4 mile swim so I could enjoy the weekend and have less not stress.

2.  This is my first girls weekend in 13 years of marriage.  I realized that in 13 years of marriage I have NEVER done a girls weekend.  Well, even a girls overnight!  So, tomorrow I head out with a large group of ladies racing this weekend.  Of course, it isn't a full weekend, since my husband and kids will meet me Saturday afternoon for some play time, dinner, and for me to nurse the baby.  But, they will stay in their own hotel room while I stay with ladies racing the next morning so I can get a full night's rest and roll out of bed to the race that is beginning in the park where the hotel is!

3.  This is the first time I am leaving my son overnight!  I never left the girls overnight before they were at least a year old.  This kind of makes me sad and makes me feel guilty.

4.  This is my first multisports WEEKEND!  This race is part of a larger event that is a full weekend long and includes an olympic distance, a half ironman, a 10K, and a half marathon as well as the two shorter races on Sunday so I will be eating, sleeping, and breathing multisports ALL weekend.  It should be fun.

5.  My 5 year old is also doing her first triathlon.  The organizers have also put together a kids race that is on Sunday afternoon and my 5 year old is doing it.  I am so excited for her!

So, in about 24 hours I am off to Chelanman - what a wild weekend it will be!  Oh, yeah, Body and Mind, please take note that the SAME rules apply as two weeks ago!

Stay tuned for the results from my fun and crazy weekend!

The Joy of Watching it Spread!

In the last few days, I have felt so blessed to watch my hard work begin to spread out across my family.  One of the main reasons I am doing this (besides to avoid expensive therapy bills) is to provide a good example for my children regarding living an active lifestyle.  My joy and moderate success is beginning to spread across our family members - and that is by far my greatest reward.

First, last night we were checking out a new bike shop close to our house.  The owner asked my 5 year old daughter how her summer vacation was going and what she was planning to do.  She started by talking about her sports camp we were headed to after our brief shopping visit.  Then, she told him she is doing a triathlon this weekend (she is doing a kid's tri after my race).  But, what also just shocked me is she explained to him "Mommy is the first one to do a triathlon, she did one already and now I want to do one!"  He responded, "wow, you are pretty proud of your mom, huh?" and she responded "Yeah, that is why I want to do one."  My heart melted just a bit at that point.

My two year old is also picking stuff up as we go.  The other day she was standing before me in a strange pose reaching down to her toe.  I asked her what she was doing and she replied "stretching, mama, like you!"  Loved it!  She also has been focused on eating better to grow strong.  I like that approach!

Then, today, my husband is all excited because he found the bike he wants.  He wants the same version of my bike (just the men's version) so that we can ride together, even if just occasionally.  I am so excited.  He has some strange misconception however that he will "smoke" me on a ride.  I will let him have that for now, reality will be harsh once he gets out there (can't WAIT to introduce him to the 28 mile course I rode on Sunday - hills and all!)

So, therein lies my joy these days - my hard work is rubbing off on my family and I hope and pray it continues so we can enjoy a family active lifestyle together.  I KNOW many of my readers have been doing the same hard work and enlisting their families to join and support them - please share your experiences of how your hard work has set a great example for your family - I think it can be motivational for everyone!

Well, I DID IT!

And, honestly, I have to keep reminding myself I did it and that was the point of this whole exercise.  I have to remind myself that I completed the bike/run and I only registered for this to get out there, finish, and experience race conditions before adding the swim.  I MUST KEEP REMINDING MYSELF!

As you may remember, I was pretty nervous.  You can see this from a transition photo someone snapped of me (I think I was searching desperately for my husband and kids because I was TERRIFIED!)

So, here is the report:

Bike:  50:36.1  (grrrrrr)
Run:  32:14.2 (ok, I will take that, need to get 2:14 off soon!)

Swim:  Yeah, this was easy - my friend completed it in 9:48!  A very good time!  I know she was hoping for under 9:00 but, really, GREAT JOB!  My only complaint was on my behalf of fumbling with the timing chip after she came in and NOT having my bike off the rack because, well, all the other teams left theirs up there and I was not sure of the protocol/rules (I am a stickler for the rules, which I learn in this sport COULD actually hold me back or maybe it was just this event where penalties were apparently NO WHERE to be found.)

Bike:  This is supposed to be my no brainer.  Well, maybe I should have realized that it wasn't exactly a no brainer when, several days before the race, I began to freak out about the bike.  I was very conservative on the bike, taking turns too slowly, being apprehensive on the pass (it was an open course, meaning cars and trucks on the course). 

That left turn I was so worried about?  Piece of cake, really.  At least the first loop was a piece of cake.  I wish I had taken it harder and saved precious seconds.  It was a fairly easy ride, some moderate rolling hills, some definite potholes.  The potholes were significant enough that the race organizers marked them!  I started off a bit slow (and on the wrong side of the bike out, but thankfully no one was headed in at that time) and was really slowed by my cages on my bike - I truly need to get to clipless pedals by my August race, I just don't want to do my first fall (everyone falls at least once) on race day so I keep putting it off. 

A few minutes into my ride, I really started to feel comfortable and was on a straightaway so I began to hit the speed.  I was passing people quickly, and with little effort.  Then, as it got more hilly, I realized how conservative I was.  I would pass people effortlessly on the way up, only to have them pass me on the way down!  WHAT????  Obviously, I was too conservative when I should have been letting it fly - I did get better at this, but it took some time. 

After about 2/3 of the first loop (it was two 7 mile loops) I settled in to a pace (in hindsight too slow of a pace) and seemed to have found my spot in the group.  Then, we headed back onto a main road which, from my previous drive of the course, meant I should be able to power this pretty good, so off I went.  I began passing people, aware that there would be a hill in my future.  From my recollection, just a normal hill, no big deal.  As I approached the hill, I gained speed and kept powering through.  In the initial incline, powering through and then "WHAM" it hit me - I should have downshifted several hundred yards ago because this was WAY steeper than I had thought it would be and my quads were screaming.  Unfortunately, that basically threw the whole hill for me - it was impossible to regain the momentum as I downshifted over and over with the hopes I would make it to the crest without *GASP* getting off my bike and walking!  This hill wasn't straight up, but it was steeper than I thought and it WENT. ON. FOREVER.

So after powering through the hill (and I didn't have to stop!) I descended to the beginning of the course to start my second loop.  I thought to myself "ok, you navigated it fine, now put on more speed."  Off I went, make the quick right to the "left turn" and in front of me is a tow truck going SLOOOOOOW.  Held up by a bunch of riders ahead, the tow truck proceeded slowly with his right turn signal on the whole time.  I wanted to pass him on the right, but was too concerned he would turn without me seeing him.  I was going insane!  Every time he passed a side street I would groan louder and louder each time he didn't turn.  After a minute or so I was yelling "turn, turn, turn!"  This made all the race volunteers on the corners howl with laughter!  Finally he turned and I shouted "Hooray!" followed my more howling laughter!  I passed the group of cyclists that had been ahead of the truck and off I went. 

The remainder of the ride to the "big hill" was fairly uneventful.  Then, at the slight descent leading to the hill I put on a ton of speed hoping to catch the momentum.  As I began the hill I was flying, so happy I wasn't going to almost stall again.  I began downshifting slowly to accommodate the incline and then "WHAM!"  Downshifted to fast and my legs were spinning without resistance.  DAMN!  There went all my momentum AGAIN!  I struggled again to reach the crest.

As I turned in to finish the bike, I was not exactly pleased:

Finally, I turned into the bike dismount area only to have my husband screaming "KEEP GOING!"  He was annoyed I slowed down to early - but I was concerned about my cages catching (again, I REALLY need to get those clipless pedals on!).

Run:  So, off on the run I went.  It was significantly less eventful than the ride.  I even took a brief moment to wave to my husband and kids:

I did walk a bit through the brick part as my quads were really having a hard time adjusting and it was impacting that glute pain I warned my body about!  But, it did work itself through way before the midpoint and I continued from there with few issues other than it actually was WAY warmer than I expected!  As I re-entered the park I found a great burst of energy and finished strong. 

So, I finished.  I was NOT happy with my bike time and I start working on that Wednesday at my team training.  My run I was ok with, and hope to get faster the next time around.  In less than two weeks I will be doing another Tri - I have to admit, I can't wait.  But, I am getting cold feet on the 1/2 mile swim, so I "downgraded" to a Try a Tri at this event to limit my swim to 1/4 mile.  Of course, as soon as I did that I had a great swim on Wednesday night.  So much of this is a mental game, and once the pressure was off I enjoyed my open water swim tremendously!  But, the upcoming race is on a wholly unfamiliar out of town course for me that will be in hot temperatures but COLD water, so I am thinking it will be best to ease into it.  I will probably regret not doing the full half mile swim, but I will get that opportunity on my home course in early August for a swim race prior to the Sprint there in late August. 

In all honesty, this has all been kind of anticlimactic.  For some reason I have been kind of in a funk about it.  Maybe it is the slow time.  Maybe it was that I recovered fairly quickly and don't feel I gave it may all.  Maybe it just IS.  But, it is time to move on to the next race and training the bike and swim!

Dear Body, Dear Mind

Dear Body:

YOU CAN DO THIS!  You have been working hard and strengthening yourself for months.  You have been fueled well, and rested this week.  With all this in mind, I do however have a few requests/orders:

First, please save the cramping for after the finish line.  In exchange, I will be sure to supply you with the electrolytes you need and give you a great stretch before and after the race. 

If at all possible, could you speed up the movement of blood and lactic acid out of my quads after the bike?  Waiting seven minutes and four seconds to feel like my legs are working again is a bit long and, frankly, unnecessary.  It also causes me to grimace in pain/annoyance and I really don't want that captured in any pictures from the event.  And, speaking of photos, if you could turn just so to hide my muffin top when near any functioning cameras, I would greatly appreciate it!

Please save the glute pain until after the race.  Running with my hand on my left glute chanting "I have a pain in my behind" is not the best approach to a positive race.

Unfortunately, use of restrooms between the transfer of the time chip to me and my crossing the finish line is strictly prohibited, so please plan accordingly.  And, while we are on that topic, I am fully aware that I have had three children within 5 years.  Therefore, the constant reminder through "bladder challenges" (yeah, THAT) is not necessary, so please conduct yourself accordingly.

Move and move fast.  And I don't just mean the arms.  If the legs could somehow reflect the speed with which the arms pump during the run, it would be much appreciated.

Don't fall.  Enough said.

Most of all, enjoy!  And, if you happen to forget any of these items, I will remind you loudly and often during the race to assist you with meeting these requirements.

Dear Mind:

YOU CAN DO THIS!  Any thoughts to the contrary are strictly prohibited.  Don't worry about the Body, it has also been informed of this, but DO provide encouragement as needed.  With all this in mind, I do have several requests/orders:

The only vision you may have of the left turn on the bike course is one of the Body sailing through it with just the right lean and speed necessary.  All other visions are strictly prohibited and "turned off" pursuant to THIS theory/instruction.

DO NOT think about those behind you and wanting to pass you on the bike course.  Leave it up to them to worry about that.  This is as much your race as it is theirs, so concentrate on yourself.

If, and only if, something doesn't go as planned, adjust and let it go.  DO NOT obsess about things you cannot change.

Stop worrying about whether you look like a dork.  You may well just look like a dork, but you are you, and most people aren't even going to notice - they are worried about looking like a dork too, so they are too focused on themselves.

Replace the thought "I don't know if I can do this" with "I AM doing this!"  Why?  Well, because you ARE doing this.

Enjoy!  You have wanted to do this for a long time and have had the privilege to prepare for it, so enjoy, LOVE it, and worry about tomorrow tomorrow!

Don't worry, if you forget any of this along the way, I WILL remind you loudly and often. 

Sincerely,

Lisa


*and if you pass me on Saturday and hear me reminding my body and mind about these things, just smile and laugh WITH me, not AT me!  Good Luck to all racing this weekend! 

And, the Winner of the First Giveaway is........

Lara!  Lara wrote:

Hi!


I subscribed to the emails and re posted Facebook. My favorite design is the St. Andrews Garden. I actual eat breakfast and lunch and work. My Favorite breakfast is a whole wheat roll or english muffin toasted and topped with Ricotta and tomato slices and then drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with pepper. It's one of the best breakfasts I have ever had!

Congratulations Lara!  I will email you and please respond within 24 hours so that we can get you on your way to picking out your Thermal Tote from Thirty-One Gifts!
 
(The winner was randomly selected using Random.org random number generator).
 
And, a special THANK YOU to Christy who so generously donated our Giveaway from Thirty-One Gifts.  Please be sure to visit her site at Thirty-One Gifts!  I noticed they are having quite a sale coming up!

Seattle, Tempe, and San Diego Area Adventure Run on July 6 (FREE with PRIZES) and Giveaway Reminder

Quick note with two timely items:

For my readers in the Seattle, WA, San Diego, CA or Tempe, AZ Area, Roadrunner Sports is hosting an Adventure Run with TONS of prizes/giveaways on Thursday, July 6, 2011.  I wish I lived closer to the Seattle store!  Best of all, registration is FREE!  If you go, let me know what goodies you were able to score!

And, don't forget, our Giveaway ends TONIGHT at 9 pm.  And don't forget to include your bonus entry!

New (Half) Year Resolutions!

Do you know what Friday is?  It is July 1, 2011, the official start to the second half of the year!  It got me thinking (what doesn't these days as I try to shun the vision of my bike crash on that one left turn.....oh, once again, I digress).  I typically don't do New Year Resolutions.  Well, not publicly anyway.  Frankly, I think all too often we put too much emphasis on them, but I do, in my head, usually have some goals.  But I have been thinking ahead already to the off season and what I would like to do to make sure I don't lose my training gains and can have an even better season next year.  Plus, I have a half marathon to train for in May next year!  Setting out my goals for the remainder of 2011 has had a much sunnier outlook than when I did them this past January.  I think perhaps considering New (Half) Year Resolutions when it comes to health and fitness has some serious potential.  Here are a few reasons why:

1.  Everyone won't be asking you how you are doing on your New Year Resolutions unless you tell them you made New (Half) Year Resolutions!  (Until this blog post rockets through the universe, right?)

2.  If you are inclined to join a gym, many gyms have great deals on summer enrollment because their numbers decrease during the summer.

3.  Facilities you may use will be less crowded.  With the nice weather and vacations, etc, many facilities are much less crowded during the summer.  So whether you are self conscious or just prefer to not wait for a machine, a swim lane, or potentially get bumped from a class at the gym, you will find much less crowding during the summer!

4.  Daylight is on your side.  First, the extra hours of daylight and sun always tend to give me more energy.  And, if you are like me, you may want to do a run or a swim with daylight and warmer temps.  Early morning workouts or late evening workouts are much easier during the summer!

5.  Nutritionally, fun and exciting fruits and vegetables are much more readily available and cheaper during the summer.  One of my goals is to "eat the rainbow" more consistently.  What better time to find readily available fruits and vegetables, with increased variety, than during their optimal growing season!  My guess is you find some choices you would not consider (or even find) during the winter.  If you find something in particular you can not live without during the winter months, you can freeze, can, etc the item to have all year long at the best prices and highest quality!

6.  Summer time allows you to find your bliss.  The type of activities available to try during the summer - walking, running, biking, swimming, team sports, etc - are much easier to find during the nicer weather.  Start sampling now and I bet you find your "must have" activity before the weather turns!

7.  By the time the winter blahs roll around, you will be so entrenched in your new routine it will be a habit and something you just HAVE to continue to complete your day.  Let's face it, when the alarm goes off on a cold, rainy (or even snowy) winter day at 5 am for a workout, it sure is hard to force yourself out of your nice warm bed.  But by that time, if you start now, I suspect you will find you appreciate or even look forward to that time for yourself and it will be much easier to get it done.

7.  Your Holiday 5 (you know, that 5 or even more pounds you put on during the holidays) will be much easier to avoid if you set up good habits NOW!

So, share YOUR New (Half) Year Resolution!  What's in it for you, you ask?  (well, besides a goal you can work towards?)  How about a BONUS ENTRY into our Giveaway!  If you have already entered our Giveaway, and comment here with a New (Half) Year Resolution, you will get an additional bonus entry!  I will add all the separate comments here to the end of the comments on the Giveaway to assign it a number for our random drawing. 

AND, PLEASE NOTE on the Giveaway page, each separate comment is only ONE entry.  That is the best way for me to make it random with a random number generator, so if you posted all the WONDERFUL things you did in one comment, try to go back and separate each action into a separate comment so I can give you credit for all the entries you obtained.  I will also email commenters separately to have them do that so they get the credit they deserve.  I will be clearer next time to avoid such confusion!

A Look Back at Where I Have Been - It is NOT Pretty

I have been doing a lot of reflecting these past few days trying to convince myself I have come a long way and am ready for this weekend.  It was interesting/scary/outright terrifying to really take a hard look at where I have been in roughly the last 15 years.

I went from 150something pounds, less than 10% body fat, a size 6/8, training 3-4 hours a day (yeah, single, no kids!) and feeling like my body could handle almost anything that came my way (except for perhaps those 26.2 miles of a marathon!) to, at my heaviest, 225 lbs (ouch, I actually WROTE that), Lord knows HOW much body fat, a size 16/18, aching feet and knees even when I got up in the morning from carrying all that weight, not being able to hoist myself up on a wave runner when fell off (that had to be one of the MOST humiliating moments of my life), depressed and introverted.  It was at this time that I sat in a reproductive endocrinologist's office hearing her say "You know, if you just lost some weight, you might just get pregnant."  I got angry, I was humiliated, I thought to myself "I have PCOS you B***ch, that is why I am fat, that is why I can't have a baby!"  And, that night, I just cried.  Looking back, it was partially the PCOS, it was the fertility meds, but is also was just such a deep hatred of all that was going on and of myself that led to a whole host of poor choices that manifested itself in my obesity (WOW, I just WROTE THAT!) and poor health (and don't forget self-loathing).  There are so many things I can look back at and say "hmmmm, that was an issue" or "that was seriously a poor habit/choice."  Those individual items are all posts on their own, and will be forthcoming.

But that Dr's words haunted me.  I joined WeightWatchers at work and lost 22 lbs.  And, suddenly, I found myself pregnant with my first little girl.  I don't think it was purely a function of weight, but I do think it was one of the factors.  I gained 60 pounds with my pregnancy.  But once she was born, I focused on providing a healthy home for her.  We were active (not training type active, but "family" type active), we ate right because, well, what I ate fed her through breast milk.  And, surprisingly, by her first birthday, I was 12 pounds under where I started my pregnancy.  By the time she was 18 months old, I was down to 160-something pounds.  And, truly, it was all from a lifestyle change - not intensive training.  That was 4 years ago.

In the last three to four years, my weight has gone up and down with two more pregnancies.  But each time, for the most part, I have returned to the same lifestyle I had developed as a result of caring about my child's eating habits, and, for the most part, I have been able to control my weight within ten pounds. 

I started training briefly after my second daughter turned one year old, saw some results, but quickly became pregnant with my son.  Again, I picked up training when he was about 5 months old.  Today I am down to 160-something pounds, verging on the 150's.  I am once again a size 8.  And, I FEEL good.  But really, my training makes me feel great and strong, but is not the reason for my weight loss - in fact, I am gaining a bit as I gain muscle mass.  The key has been lifestyle changes.  Portion control, quality of food, looking at food as a fuel rather than a social event, controlling alcohol intake, cooking, and having a "family active" lifestyle.  These elements are all the things I hope to share!  All in good time, one post at a time.

For whatever reason, I felt it was time for me to put this out there.  I know I talk a lot about my triathlon training - that is MY thing.  It just IS.  But that is not what this is all about - you don't need to do a Tri.  [but if you want to learn more about it, bring on the questions, because YOU CAN do a Tri, just ask - and just believe it!].  But I want to share what I have learned, what I have seen, what I have suffered through and enjoyed, hoping that I can inspire others to have that "family active" lifestyles.  Frankly, training for an event can come and go, but your healthy "family active" lifestyle is forever.

So, in short, I confess:  all of the above.  Thoughts and comments are more than welcome.

(WOW, I can't believe I just WROTE all THAT!)